Went to the Apple Store with the carcass of sputnik, talked to Arvin and was forwarded to an open employee. Described the symptoms sputnik was experiencing - he confirmed this (and was o_O that I'd described the current status of the device exactly), did some tappy-tap on a powerbook, handed off to another employee. A storeroom trip, some more tapping, and a print-and-sign later, I have a brand new silver 6 gig mini with three months left on the warranty (option to buy applecare at academic rates before then).

A completely painless process that didn't cost me a dime. Gotta <3 Apple service!