Better Now, Stronger Now

posted 2012.01.10 at 04:14

Reading through old (way, way old) blog entries, it's clear that I used to be overflowing with hate, spite, hate, negative emotions, hate, negativity and general badness.

At some point (I'm guessing it was late Q4 2009 or later) that hate dissipated at speed. I'm now much more what I'd describe as "a bit of a grump," with a view of the universe that bears more of a resemblance to a pulled muscle than the bedsore hemorrhoid of the aughts.

Carrying the hemorrhoid analogy a bit further, the hate does occasionally flare up... though it no longer defines me. This, I believe, explains the massive decline in blog posts over the last couple of years - while there's some funny and some hmm and some ! and some O_o in the archives, it's mostly >:|.

While I freely admit I still have some tactical growing up to do, I look back on the past ten or so years of text output and, after gaping in horror for a bit, invariably think to myself "man, I'm glad I'm not that guy anymore."

Over the past five years, most of the Irrationality Generators have been shut down, decommissioned, and scrapped. They've been replaced by new designs - modern, environmentally friendly, green Irrationality Generators. Smaller social footprint, smaller life imprint, smaller mental health impact. Only one thing to worry about, and that's keeping the bills paid. Only one way to do that, and that's keeping the work flowing.

Mental health issues have evolved from being crushed under a complex and undesired social situation to coping with a high volume workload coupled to a workspace presently all but devoid of social opportunity. This issue can be tackled from a variety of angles and is, from my present point of a view, a problem that can be solved. By comparison, I had perceived my social and living circumstances circa 2001-2008 as an ordeal that had to be tolerated, no matter the cost.

I'm in a much better place now. Comparatively speaking, now is friggin' paradise.

It's one of my goals for the year to actively pursue improvements to this state if possible, stationkeeping if not, and to hopefully avoid regressing to the level of the Thousand Posts Of Hate at all costs.

My other goals are to keep rent paid and the lights on, and to finish DCR. Both of which are higher up on the priority list than being happy, content, feeling accomplished or even bored.

Though I tell you what - if I can finish DCR with my life still bearing some resemblance to its present self, I'm going to try like hell to be bored, at least for a little bit. It's been years since I've been genuinely bored - I traded bored for pensive back in the 90s and I've totally forgotten what it feels like.

At this point I'm hoping the answer is "refreshing."